Reed Farrel Coleman's Moe Prager Mystery Series

Reed Farrel Coleman, on casting an adaptation of his Moe Prager Mystery Series:

Why I Won’t Play

I was one of those college students who paid careful attention in class because I took terrible notes. In retrospect, I probably would’ve been better served by improving my note taking skills. Much of what my professors had to say blended into a kind of buzzing. Certain lessons, however, have persisted even after thirty years. One lesson in particular, taught by Jim Merritt, my instructor for Romantic Poetry at Brooklyn College, has had a profound effect on my writing. Oddly enough, it wasn’t a writing class, yet I can still hear Prof. Merritt’s voice in my head. We were discussing the life and works of Percy Bysshe Shelley when the subject of Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein came up. Merritt, a man with a wonderfully expressive face, frowned:

“Okay everyone,” Merritt said, “close your eyes and imagine Frankenstein’s monster.”

After fifteen seconds, Merritt went around the room, selecting students at random to describe what they had seen in their mind’s eye as they conjured up their images of the monster. To a person, we described a gigantic green monster with a flat head, a jagged scar on its forehead, bolts in its neck, dull, heavy-lidded eyes… In other words, we all saw the same thing. Merritt’s point? The movies had robbed readers of the joy of imagining the monster for themselves. The movie image of the monster had taken the romance out of the reading.

That lesson stays with me every day as I write. In the Moe Prager series, I do occassionally give very slight—so slight I can’t recall them—hints about Moe’s looks, but I am very careful not to actually describe him. If I do describe any of the major recurring characters, it’s usually through one or two aspects of their physical appearance. Moe’s wife Katy, for instance, has thin lips and is curvy. Their daughter Sarah has red hair. Mr. Roth dresses well, walks with a cane, and has a number tattooed on his forearm. That, however, is usually the extent of the description of the central recurring characters in the series. Emotion is at the heart of why I take this approach. I want the reader to form, in his or her own mind, the image of the characters. In this way, the reader becomes more emotionally invested in the characters or, to phrase it a bit differently, the reader contributes more of him or herself to the characters. I want a reader to develop a vision of Moe not based upon a set of physical characteristics, but based upon his emotional, philosophical, and moral underpinnings. I want the reader, in the same way I do, to build Moe from the inside out.

None of this is to say I wouldn’t sell the movie rights to the books. I would in a nano second, but there’s no denying a movie would change new readers’ perceptions of Moe. It is also not to say that I don’t have an actor in mind to play Moe. I have all the books cast in my head, but I won’t share my choices. Again, I wouldn’t want my conception of Moe to taint yours.

Reed Farrel Coleman, Brooklyn born and raised, is the former Executive Vice President of Mystery Writers of America. He has written ten novels in three series including two under his pen name Tony Spinosa. His eleventh novel, Tower, co-authored with Ken Bruen, will premier in Fall 2009. Reed has been twice nominated for the Edgar Award, mystery fiction’s most prestigious honor. He has won the Shamus Award twice along with the Barry and Anthony Awards. He was the editor of the short story anthology Hardboiled Brooklyn. His short fiction and essays have appeared in Wall Street Noir, Damn Near Dead, Brooklyn Noir 3, and several other publications. Reed is an adjunct lecturer in creative writing at Hofstra University and lives with his family on Long Island.

The Page 69 Test: Redemption Street.

The Page 69 Test: Empty Ever After.

--Marshal Zeringue

Malena Lott's "Dating da Vinci"

Malena Lott is the author of the recently released Dating da Vinci.

Here she lays out some casting ideas for a film adaptation of the novel:

I love movies almost, but not quite, as much as I love books. In writing classes, you often get the tip to find models or actors in magazines to cut out and storyboard for the physical character development of your novel. I tend to choose actors because I may like certain mannerisms or their charisma on screen, just as much as having the "look" I'm going for. I did this with Dating da Vinci, a tale of love, longing and la dolce vita. Bookopolis said that Dating da Vinci, "has all the making of a great romantic comedy." So, with that in mind, here's my cast....

I imagined my protagonist, Ramona Elise, a linguist and widowed mother, as a curvier Kate Winslet, one of my favorite actors, period. She has the acting chops to handle her struggle with grief and joy, with just one look.

For Leonardo da Vinci, my twenty-five year old handsome Italian immigrant, it would most likely be an unknown, someone new to Hollywood perhaps, and even a fresh-from-Italy transplant. Above all, he has to be sexy in that smoldering way, like Gilles Marini, who played Dante in Sex and the City, the Movie.

Ramona's fitness star, narcissistic sis would be played by Jane Krakowski and her evanga-mom by Mary Tyler Moore. Ramona's best friend, the down on love, snarky business woman Anh, who is raising her grand-daughter but is in denial, would be someone like Sandra Oh.

Last but not least, we have the charming doctor, Cortland. He's dating Ramona's sis, but sure gives Ramona a lot of attention, something she's really noticing since she's doing her dissertation on the "language of love." The most charming guy I could think of is Greg Kinnear. Love him! And I have since his early days on E! in the '90s.

Read an excerpt from Dating da Vinci, and learn more about the author and her work at Malena Lott's website and blog.

The Page 69 Test: Dating da Vinci.

--Marshal Zeringue

Rachael King's "The Sound of Butterflies"

Rachael King's debut novel The Sound of Butterflies, which was among the top three bestselling New Zealand fiction titles in her native country for 12 weeks when it was published in July 2006, was released in the U.S. by William Morrow in 2007.

Here she shares some preferences for cast and director for a cinematic adaptation of the novel:

I'm sure that all writers day-dream about who might play their characters in a film; certainly I have been asked enough by my friends, and it's always a fun game to play. I have no interest in the A-list, such as Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie; I'm much more interested in British actors (well, the characters are mostly British) who aren't afraid to get their hair dirty. When I first started writing The Sound of Butterflies, I had recently seen a New Zealand mini-series called Greenstone, and I had a young Matthew Rhys before-he-was-famous in mind for Thomas, but a skinnier, blonder version. The truth is that the exact Thomas I had in my head was a perpetually worried-looking waiter I'd seen at a cricket match. I drew a caricature of him that day in my notebook and will always think of him as my Thomas. Rhys doesn't seem right to me anymore, (too old perhaps), but someone like James McAvoy would be perfect: an atypical leading man who could do intense and awkward well. He's not my waiter, but he will do nicely.

Since Kate Winslet is too old now, I would definitely pick Romola Garai for Sophie. Physically she is perfect, and would do a good mixture of strength and vulnerability. Her modern friend Agatha would be Zooey Deschanel (I love her) if she could pull off an English accent; if not, then maybe Emily Blunt. I had in mind a young Nastassja Kinski look-alike when I was writing.

The characters of Ernie and George, Thomas's companions, would be a good chance for Jude Law and Matthew Goode, respectively, to play it seedy. I have also been impressed by Laurence Fox (the way he made Cecil Vyse in the recent TV adaptation of A Room With A View both sexy and repellent was marvelous), who could play either role. The older, rougher John Gitchens could be played by Rufus Sewell with a beard. I can see Sam Neill (a fellow New Zealander who has just been directed by my brother Jonathan King in Under the Mountain, out 2009) as José Santos, the rubber baron: he does enigmatic and slightly menacing well. His wife Clara could be someone like America Ferrara but older, mid-30s. She needs to be Latin and able to play plain and not thin. As the 'other woman' in the book, I have no doubt that if Hollywood got its hands on her, it would make Clara smouldering hot.

People keep telling me The Sound of Butterflies would make a great movie and I'm waiting for the offers to start pouring in any day now. Obviously it would have to be a big-budget, lavish costume drama, so it's not something that can be tackled lightly. At first my director of choice would have been Anthony Minghella, but then he sadly died. James Ivory seems another obvious one, but I was so impressed with the film of Atonement I would have to ask Joe Wright. Then again, if I were to turn to my fellow countrymen and women, I'm sure Peter Jackson would have the budget and I'm waiting with interest to see what Niki Caro does with my friend Elizabeth Knox's book The Vintner's Luck.

Read an excerpt from The Sound of Butterflies, and learn more about the novel and its author at Rachael King's website and her blog.

The Page 69 Test: The Sound of Butterflies.

--Marshal Zeringue

Tony Richards' "Dark Rain"

Tony Richards is the author of five novels—the first was nominated for a Bram Stoker Award—plus many short stories and articles. His work has appeared in numerous venues, including The Magazine of Fantasy & Science Fiction, Cemetery Dance, Asimov's, Alfred Hitchcock's Mystery Magazine, and Weird Tales.

Here he shares some casting ideas for a cinematic adaptation of his latest novel, Dark Rain:

The characters in Dark Rain are many, varied, and in some cases extremely weird. And in a few instances, an actor springs immediately to mind. Ideally, Dr. Lehman Willets, the only African-American in Raine’s Landing -- the town has been cut off from the outside world by a curse for the past three hundred years -- would be played by Morgan Freeman, although I understand that he’s been hurt recently. The short but dignified Judge Samuel Levin? Ron Rifkin would be perfect.

Others are a little harder to pin down. The guy who plays the big bald grouchy cop on CSI:Miami would make an excellent Lieutenant Saul Hobart, who is … well … a big bald grouchy cop. And Rod Steiger would have a fun cameo role as Reverend Purlock. But which actor does insane well enough to portray the rambling master of Raine Manor, Woodard Raine himself? I can only think of Michael Keaton.

As for the two leads? To play Cass Mallory accurately, Angelina Jolie would have to wear her hair Sinéad O'Connor style, cropped to within half an inch of her skull. But who knows, she might think that fun. As for Ross Devries, the usual action movie leads like Hugh Jackman would make a decent job of being him.

But no, I’d rather Ross were played by an unknown. He’d like it that way.

Browse inside Dark Rain, and learn more about the book and author at Tony Richards' website and blog.

The Page 69 Test: Dark Rain.

--Marshal Zeringue

Jason Goodwin's "The Snake Stone"

Jason Goodwin's Edgar Award–winning series set in Istanbul at the end of the Ottoman Empire--The Janissary Tree, The Snake Stone, and coming in 2009, The Bellini Card--features Investigator Yashim: detective, polyglot, chef, eunuch.

Here Goodwin explores some casting options for a cinematic adaptation of the books:

Orientalist painters in the 19^th century fell over themselves to capture the Ottoman Empire on canvas. They painted the mosques and domes, the palaces and bazaars, and of course the naked odalisques, reclining with their pipes. They captured the tilework and the black eunuchs, the costume and the artefacts of an imperial civilisation that was, visually, utterly stunning. Here’s a curious thing: no-one has ever done it on screen.

But let’s face it: who’s man enough to play my central character, Yashim the Investigator?

He’s invisible. He’s active. He’s calm - and smart.

And he’s a eunuch.

I put this very question on my blog (the bellinicard.wordpress.com) and the answer was: Tony Shalhoub. He’s a versatile Lebanese American actor whose roots are properly Ottoman, like Yashim. The good news for Mr. Shalhoub is that Yashim doesn’t have a squeaky voice – and even gets involved with women.

Yashim's great friend is Count Palewski, an exiled Pole who also happens to be the ambassador to the Sublime Porte in Istanbul. He’s dry but charming, a drinker, a voracious reader who dabbles with the violin. Bill Nighy, please.

Come back, Peter Lorre. You were the most sinuous and untrustworthy villain in movie history, and I was thinking of you when I wrote about the dodgy French archaeologist, Lefèvre. And do bring Claude Raines with you: he’d make a splendid sultan.

You don’t have to be camp to play Preen, the transvestite dancer – but Julian Clary has the right air of vulnerability. Julian Clary in a black wig.

The girls? The Validé, for a start: the sultan’s proud and acerbic French-born mother. A natural beauty, even in her seventies. Would Catherine Deneuve mind aging herself for the part? Or Tilda Swinton – a little line of chalk beneath the cheese.

A Russian countess – extravagantly beautiful, and brimming with youthful curiosity. Juliette Binoche, if she’d just step down from The Unbearable Lightness of Being - or Lauren Bacall, best of all, if she could take some time after shooting The Big Sleep.

In The Snake Stone a lovely French girl, Amelie, with a steel streak. Not Audrey Tautou of the eponymous movie, but Uma Thurman, maybe.

Telly Savalas as the bull-headed Seraskier of The Janissary Tree.

Sydney Greenstreet for the Soup Master.

All of it set in Istanbul and – lately – Venice. Clear the streets, please!

Learn more about Jason Goodwin and his work at his website and blog.

--Marshal Zeringue

Charles Cumming's "The Spanish Game"

Charles Cumming is a British spy novelist who has been hailed as the heir apparent to John le Carré. His most recent novel, Typhoon, was published in the UK to huge critical acclaim. Cumming’s first novel, A Spy By Nature, has just been released in the US in paperback. The sequel, The Spanish Game, is available in hardcover from St. Martin’s Press.

Here he speculates on casting the lead in a film adaptation of The Spanish Game:

A recent review of my novel, The Spanish Game, described the central character, Alec Milius, as “excessively paranoid, a womanizer, an alcoholic, and generally of questionable morality”.

It’s a fairly accurate description. Milius is an ex-MI5 agent who was drummed out of the Service following a botched industrial espionage operation, described in my first novel, A Spy By Nature. At the start of The Spanish Game, we find Alec living in Madrid, sleeping with his boss’s wife, drinking heavily and wondering when his old enemies are going to catch up with him.

Milius has no recognisably heroic attributes, beyond a basic desire to make the best of himself. He is essentially self-serving, untrustworthy and paranoid. Which begs the question – what actor would want to play a character with those attributes? For a long time, I thought Jude Law would be perfect casting. Milius is a good-looking British guy in his early thirties. He’s quick-witted and attractive, largely because he is so honest about his own shortcomings and insecurities. Law would be ideal: here is a very charming, very seductive actor who has never shied away from playing anti-heroes. Think of Alfie, of Dickie Greenleaf in The Talented Mr Ripley, or Law’s sinister assassin in Road to Perdition. But nobody I talk to who knows the books feels the same way.

So what about Matthew Goode? Goode is not yet a bona fide star, but he was the best thing in Woody Allen’s dismal Match Point and recently took the Jeremy Irons role in the new version of Brideshead Revisited. He has the looks, the charm, the accent and – above all – the talent to make an audience root for an essentially unsympathetic protagonist. There’s also James McAvoy. In fact, I quite like the idea of Alec having a Scottish accent… like a flip of the working-class Scot Sean Connery playing Ian Fleming’s Eton-educated secret agent, James Bond.

A Spy By Nature and The Spanish Game are currently in the hands of two LA-based movie producers, with Trainspotting’s John Hodge attached to write the script. Who knows? Maybe someday soon I won’t be the only one wondering who would be dream casting for Alec Milius….

Learn more about the author and his work at Charles Cumming's website.

The Page 69 Test: A Spy By Nature.

--Marshal Zeringue

Jeff Carlson's "Plague Year"

Jeff Carlson's short fiction has appeared in venues such as Asimov's, Strange Horizons, Fantastic Stories, and Writers of the Future XXIII. His first novel, Plague Year, was published last year. His new novel, Plague War, was published this summer.

Here he lays out some casting ideas for a film adaptation of Plague Year:

Will Smith. Doesn’t everyone say Will Smith? Give me Will Smith and my head will explode with excitement. Sure, the lead character in Plague Year is a 25-year-old Hispanic, but that’s easily changed. For example, in Catherine Ryan Hyde’s novel Pay It Forward, the male lead was an African-American who’d lost one arm and a lot of his face in a grenade explosion. What you got on the big screen was Kevin Spacey with minor, elegant scars. Movie magic!

This sort of daydreaming is extra fun for me because film rights for Plague Year have been optioned by Seven Seas Jim, an independent production company that’s been involved with films such as Academy Award Nominee Zus and Zo, Spirit Award Nominee Oasis, and Venice film festival award winner Khadak. The project is in play. With skill, luck, and the strength of the book, maybe we’ll actually have to answer the question of who to put in which role.

If it was up to me (it’s not), my preference would actually be a no-name cast like the original Star Wars. That was before anyone had really heard of Harrison Ford or Carrie Fisher. The story was the real focus of the movie, not the faces and the associated celebrity gossip, which has become quite an industry since 1977.

Still, give me Will Smith any day. That guy’s not only sexy and smart and packed with box office power, he’s become a fine actor.

Or they could cast me! Ha ha.

Check out our “book trailer” at http://www.jverse.com/trailer.html. Maybe I can give Will a run for his money…

Visit Jeff Carlson's website and his blog.

The Page 69 Test: Plague Year.

The Page 99 Test: Plague War.

--Marshal Zeringue

James Scott Bell's "Try Dying"

James Scott Bell is the author of Try Dying, Try Darkness, and the forthcoming Try Fear.

Here he develops some ideas for film adaptations of the novels:

My series featuring L.A. lawyer Ty Buchanan and the basketball playing nun, Sister Mary, has been described as "L.A. noir meets Nick and Nora at the intersection of Ellroy and Chandler." And that's fine with me, because I wanted to do contemporary suspense in a style that could have been published in 1947 (I think much of the genre these days pushes the darkness beyond "too far").

So it's no surprise that my favorite movie genre is film noir of the 40's and 50's. Especially when it takes place in Los Angeles.

In keeping with that, I'll tell you who I wish could have directed the movies made from my series--Billy Wilder. Think of the two quintessential L.A. noirs: Double Indemnity and Sunset Boulevard. That's the tone and feel I'm going for. A touch of wry humor, as with the narrations, respectively, of Fred MacMurray and William Holden. The undercurrents of money, sexual tension, and murder. The idea that the sun shines bright on the surfaces, but the night brings out the hidden and secret things.

The big question for me would be, black and white or color? I think the neon night is so L.A. that I'd opt for color, the kind that Michael Mann captured in Collateral (a recent, and superb, L.A. noir).

The films would, then, begin with Buchanan's narration, lifted right from the first lines of the books.

Try Dying:

On a wet Tuesday morning in December, Ernesto Bonilla, twenty-eight, shot his twenty-three-year-old wife, Alejandra, in the back yard of their West 45th Street home in South Los Angeles.

Try Darkness:

The nun hit me in the mouth and said, "Get out of my house."

Try Fear (to be published in 2009):

The cops nabbed Santa Claus at the corner of Hollywood and Gower.

Learn more about the books and author at James Scott Bell's website.

The Page 69 Test: Try Dying.

The Page 69 Test: Try Darkness.

--Marshal Zeringue

Noah Charney's "The Art Thief"

Noah Charney holds degrees in art history from the Courtauld Institute of Art and Cambridge University. He is the founding director of the Association for Research into Crimes against Art (ARCA), the first international think tank on art crime.

Here he spells out his thoughts on--and ideal cast for--a film adaptation of his debut novel, The Art Thief:

Readers often tell me that my novel, The Art Thief, would make a great film. The question of who would play which role is delicious fun for authors, during slow rainy days and hot sunny ones, as we'd be lying if we authors didn't say that we think of our own characters in terms of real-life equivalents. Our characters, whether we state it explicitly or not, are hybrid quilts sewn together from parts and characteristics of people we know or have read about--Frankenstein's monsters whose components could be traced back to their people of origin, if only an author took the time to wind back his mental ball of yarn. Especially for more commercial fiction which, these days, is often written in order to be made into a film (this is how an author can strike it rich), not only are characters considered in terms of the actors who might play them, but written scenes are conceived of from the viewpoint of a camera--what angle does the reader "see" the scene. Writing with this in mind, in all honesty, helps producers reading your book to transpose the concept into a potential film, and therefore helps it sell.

There is nothing wrong with this, for those of us without intellectual or arch-artistic pretensions. For those of us writing what we'd consider intelligent but not intellectual, artistic but not "Art," there is no shame, and every logic, in hoping that your book will be made into a film, and perhaps even facilitating it. The truly-pop fiction that begs to be made into a film, that feels written solely to be made into a film, pushes the envelope too far. But if there are tricks that will accommodate readers, particularly in this age of short attentions spans and quick-cut editing, then I say go for it.

As I write, my book has drawn the interest of both a US and a UK film-maker. The two countries have a rich and wonderful film heritage, but make very different products. The UK is more character-based, and likes to instill wonder through wondrous concepts and images. The US is more plot-based, and likes to instill awe through special effects, size, speed, and double-back tricks that make you want to rewind the film and watch it all over again, to locate the gears of the clockwork mechanism.

My novel takes place in London, Paris, and Rome, and for my part, I'd love to see an international cast, no matter the country of origin producing the film. For an interview with Italian Vanity Fair, I stated what may be obvious to most readers--that the sexy dark-haired Italian cat burglar Vallombroso should be played by Monica Bellucci. The lead, Gabriel Coffin, has shifted in my mind, but it must be an elegant middle-aged gentleman, and Ralph Fiennes or Sean Connery have alternated as stand-ins at various points along my mental pathway. My two favorite characters are the French detectives, Bizot and Lesgourges. Ideally, they would be played by French actors, or English actors pretending to be French, which could be even funnier. Bizot must surely be played in a fat suit to fit his monumental girth--I first imagined Gerard Depardieu and Jean Reno (as Lesgourges) as the squabbling pair that cannot live without one another, for the chemistry must be tight, but then I got the idea of Richard Griffiths and John Cleese pretending to be French, and the idea sounds even more wonderful. Delacloche should be an elegant middle-aged French actress, such as Emmanuelle Béart or Juliette Binoche. The American collector, Robert Grayson, I always imagined as George Clooney--but the trouble with monumental movie stars for an ensemble piece like The Art Thief (there are 7 characters who get approximately the same amount of page/screen time, so there is no one clear protagonist), is that there might not be enough screen time to generate either their interest or willingness on the part of the producers to pay for them to appear in a non-central role. The ornery museum security director should be someone who can convey exhaustion, frustration, and menace, yet whom we like very much--someone like Robbie Coltrane. And the museum director always stuck in my mind as Anjelica Huston, but a number of British actresses, like Charlotte Rampling or Helen Mirren would do nicely. Finally, Harkness alternated between Edward Fox and Robert Powell, both of whom exude elegance and aristocracy, but are capable of hinting at darkness beneath. Professor Barrow was Simon Callow for me throughout--I even chose Barrow as a name because the sound is like Callow. And the droopy, depressed Detective Harry Wickenden was always, for me, an incredible British stage actor who has appeared little in film, Simon Russell Beale. I wrote that "part" for him, as much as I did for anyone. If a producer were to ask me for my wishlist, signing him up would be my top priority.

That would bring my dream cast to something along these lines:

Coffin: Ralph Fiennes or Sean Connery

Vallombroso: Monica Bellucci

Bizot: Richard Griffiths

Lesgourges: John Cleese

Delacloche: Emmanuelle Beart or Juliette Binoche

Wickenden: Simon Russell Beale

Grayson: George Clooney

Cohen: Robbie Coltrane

Van Der Mier: Anjelica Huston or Charlotte Rampling or Helen Mirren

Harkness: Edward Fox or Robert Powell

Barrow: Simon Callow

It seems that my wish-list is British-heavy, which is almost certainly because I wrote The Art Thief while living in London. But let's be honest--if it's made into a film without a single star, I'd be just as happy. The goal is to bring the story to as many people as possible, so they can enjoy it and be stimulated by it in as many formats as possible. It is every author's fantasy to see the creation that began as a seedling in their mind, come to fruition on a big screen. In this era, that is the ultimate compliment and self-actualization. I'll keep my fingers crossed.

Learn more about the book and author at Noah Charney's website.

The Page 69 Test: The Art Thief.

--Marshal Zeringue

Colin Cotterill's "Curse of the Pogo Stick"

Colin Cotterill is the author of The Coroner’s Lunch, Thirty-Three Teeth, Disco for the Departed, and Anarchy and Old Dogs, featuring seventy-three year old Dr. Siri Paiboun, national coroner of Laos. He and his wife live in Chiang Mai, Thailand, where he teaches at the university.

Here he considers several casting approaches for a film adaptation of Curse of the Pogo Stick, the latest novel in the Dr. Siri Paiboun series:

It’s my own silly fault. I know that now. How am I ever going to break into Hollywood without a western protagonist? My sin, you see, is that all my characters are Lao. There have been, so far in the series, only one direct and one peripheral role for honkies and one of those was a Soviet circus performer. How can I get my movie made without any A-list actors queued up to play the main role of Dr. Siri Paiboun?

We could use makeup I suppose. In fifteen movies, Charlie Chan was played by a Swede, Warner Oland, and nobody noticed he was a Norseman. (I hesitate to suggest there was any racism involved in the fact that audiences could so happily accept him as an émigré from mainland China.) When poor old Warner passed away, who took over the mantle of the most famous Chinese in the west? Sidney Toler, a Scot. When they were looking for an actor to play Kentaro Moto, in a popular series about a Japanese secret agent they needed to look no further than Peter Lorre, the world’s most famous Hungarian. And after Lorre had made a Japanese name for himself in eight feature films, when it came to a remake, The Return of Mr. Moto, even as late as 1965, who did they call? (Sidney Toler was busy), good old Henry Silva, a New York Sicilian. It looks like there just weren’t any real Asians around in them days.

So, assuming we go with the clothes pegs behind the ears method, who should I ring in? I figure if they could make Dustin Hoffman look a hundred in Little Big Man, surely they could make him Asian. But if we’re going American, I suppose we’d have to look at the box office hotties first and work our way down. Tom Cruise has the height requirements but Siri would be a franchise and Tommy doubles his fees for sequels. Bruce Willis couldn’t make a movie where he doesn’t take off his shirt. No, I think I’ll go with Will Smith. He’s on a rocket these days, and I saw what those special effects wallah’s did with the Wayan brothers in White Chicks. So, good, we have Will as Dr. Siri. From there it should be easy. Even when I was writing the first book I had Paris Hilton pegged for Nurse Dtui. All right, she’s on the light side but she’s a method actress and for the opportunity to win a role like this I’d bet she’d eat her little heart out. And the bonus is she already has that pinched, lemony oriental countenance. I’ll go with Will Ferrell as inspector Phosy just for the whimsical hell of it. We need a ‘serious actor’ to bring some legitimacy to this project, so, of the available Oscar winners, I’m going with Sir Anthony Hopkins whose Comrade Civilai would be the perfect foil for Smith’s Dr. Siri.

Of course there will be certain pressures from the studio. They might argue that with all these non-Asian actors in key roles, wouldn’t it be more economical in the long run to just relocate the story to Los Angeles? I’d make feeble arguments about sense of place and history, they’d offer me lots more money, and the next thing you know, the Mahosot morgue is a road-kill clearing center just outside Santa Monica. (I’ve already started this adaptation just in case.) Siri, now Sol Prospero, of African /Nicaraguan descent, trained in New York as a classical dancer now finds himself reluctantly running the road kill center. But the flattened animals talk to him and he sets out to find who ran them over…that sort of thing. Unless it became really popular I’d disclaim all responsibility for it and say Hollywood destroyed a perfectly good book.

That’s the path you’re inevitably led down if you start messing with your ethnicity. But I’m just as buggered if I try to tap into the tiny pool of Asian actors who have been let in through the tradesman’s entrance of Hollywood. I suppose another one of my faults is that I’ve created an Asian character who doesn’t perform martial arts. Really, what use is he? If I’d only had the foresight to give Siri a black belt in something, I know we’d be on the big screen already: Yun-Fat Chow as the wise, brooding, Kung Fu kicking, Dr. Siri Paiboun. Ken Watanabe as the swarthy, dark-browed, samurai sword swinging, Comrade Civilai. Gong Li as the lithe, pert-breasted, karate chopping, nurse Dtui. It really is the only way we’ll get on the screen in North America. I mean, who’s going to find a bunch of non-arse-kicking, wall-climbing, impossible-somersaulting, tree-flying Asians credible?

No, I admit, I’ve done it all wrong. It’s back to the drawing board for me. I mean, how difficult can it be to write about a black superhero alcoholic or a kung-fuing panda? Really, I’m just making all this getting rich and famous a lot more difficult for myself than it really is.

Visit Colin Cotterill's website and his Crimespace page, and learn more about Curse of the Pogo Stick at the publisher's website.

--Marshal Zeringue