Catriona McPherson's "Scotzilla"

Catriona McPherson was born in Scotland and lived there until 2010, then immigrated to California where she lives on Patwin ancestral land. A former academic linguist, she now writes full-time. Her multi-award-winning and national best-selling work includes: the Dandy Gilver historical detective stories, the Last Ditch mysteries, set in California, and a strand of contemporary standalone novels including Edgar-finalist The Day She Died and Mary Higgins Clark finalist Strangers at the Gate. She is a member of Mystery Writers of America, The Crimewriters’ Association, The Society of Authors and Sisters in Crime, of which she is a former national president.

Here McPherson dreamcasts an adaptation of her new novel, Scotzilla:

This was supposed to be a trilogy, about Scot-out-of-water Lexy Campbell and the happy band of weirdoes and misfits that become her new friends when she’s forced to move into the Last Ditch Motel, in fictional Cuento, California.

But Scotzilla – Lexy’s wedding – is book seven, so already you can see why I think maybe if the Coen brothers felt like revisiting the cheerful chaos of Raisin’ Arizona they’d make a great film of my book. (They could start with the first one, Scot Free, and I think it would be called Nothing Goes Boom. The later books’ plots would be in the HBO spin-off series.)

This is fun!

Okay, Lexy is Scottish and I want to be able to watch my own adapted book so the woman who plays her needs to be Scottish too (and not a plucky New Yorker with a good line in “Celtic vibe”). Fern Brady is not actually an actor – she’s a comedian – but hey, it’s a comedy and she’d be perfect. She is quick, witty and deadpan but never cruel. That’s my comedy home: more Schitt’s Creek than The Office (UK – I’ve never seen the US one. It might be as kind as Ted Lasso for all I know.)

Lexy’s newest BFF, Todd (Téodor) Kroger né Mendez, could be played by – Wait, we need a time machine! Can I have a time machine? Thank you – a younger Benjamin Bratt. He has camped and vamped in his acting past (Miss Congeniality) and he has the central qualification of being drop dead gorgeous. But would it be better to have a gay actor playing Todd? Definitely.

Her other BFF, Kathi, is a character I have a very clear mental image of. The nearest actor I can think of to this image is Frances McDormand. This might be a failure of imagination on my part, driven by the fact that Kathi never wears make-up or frou-frou clothes and neither does McDormand. At least she might be predisposed to doing a Coen brothers movie. Right? And again, it would be better to have a gay actor in the role. But all the ones I know are too glamourous. Would Rosie O’Donnell play such a plain part? Let’s say she would. Frances McDormand is fired. I hope the Coens don’t walk off set in solidarity.

Lexy’s final BFF – she really did settle in well to the Ditch – is another drop-dead gorgeous character, Della. Lexy often notes that she feels normal standing beside Kathi but when she moves near Todd or Della she turns into Shrek. Della is younger than the rest and there would be no time machine needed to have her played by . . . Eiza González Reyna. Absolutely no one would be willing to stand next to her for photos at the premiere, though.

Visit Catriona McPherson's website.

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--Marshal Zeringue